day two

depression.

It's so hard to say out loud. I have been forcing myself to do it more and more lately. But there is just such self shame that I feel when I hear it come out of my mouth. When I get instantly awkward and self conscious and aware of the other person(s) gaze at me.

But it's become so much of my life lately, I feel it consuming me. I am fighting and fighting to keep it off, to fix it, to fix me. But instead I sleep a lot, or drink a lot, or cry on my bed with a pillow over my head, until I am just laying there. Sticky and dizzy and feeling listless. Soaking in the green and brown hues of my bedroom.

Today work was distracting. It feels nice not to stress too much about homework when I am there. School is done in 2 days. I am a bit leery. I don't know if I passed or not. What a waste if I didn't, but I could barely find time to do homework, with my constant schedule of work and school, and when I did, I usually just stared at the page for a long time, unable to focus.

I am sick of complaining.

I impulsively biked to the book store after work. I wish I could just live inside of there. The smells. The still noise. Rustles and murmurs. I found a second book by an author I love.  A graphic novel by Alison Bechdel. Her first book was given to me for my birthday this past year. By one of a string of intense, quick relationships that I am so prone to having. Those feverish, gripping, things that they were. I had broken off so many of them before. But the last two were not my own doing. I don't know if they broke it just quicker than I was able too? Or if they instead saw the twister in my chest? Was it there then? I broke in January. It started from things over the summer. It's almost been a year. Or has it been more? Am I being honest? Aw that deceptive thing, honesty.

I guess this post is about depression.