day two

depression.

It's so hard to say out loud. I have been forcing myself to do it more and more lately. But there is just such self shame that I feel when I hear it come out of my mouth. When I get instantly awkward and self conscious and aware of the other person(s) gaze at me.

But it's become so much of my life lately, I feel it consuming me. I am fighting and fighting to keep it off, to fix it, to fix me. But instead I sleep a lot, or drink a lot, or cry on my bed with a pillow over my head, until I am just laying there. Sticky and dizzy and feeling listless. Soaking in the green and brown hues of my bedroom.

Today work was distracting. It feels nice not to stress too much about homework when I am there. School is done in 2 days. I am a bit leery. I don't know if I passed or not. What a waste if I didn't, but I could barely find time to do homework, with my constant schedule of work and school, and when I did, I usually just stared at the page for a long time, unable to focus.

I am sick of complaining.

I impulsively biked to the book store after work. I wish I could just live inside of there. The smells. The still noise. Rustles and murmurs. I found a second book by an author I love.  A graphic novel by Alison Bechdel. Her first book was given to me for my birthday this past year. By one of a string of intense, quick relationships that I am so prone to having. Those feverish, gripping, things that they were. I had broken off so many of them before. But the last two were not my own doing. I don't know if they broke it just quicker than I was able too? Or if they instead saw the twister in my chest? Was it there then? I broke in January. It started from things over the summer. It's almost been a year. Or has it been more? Am I being honest? Aw that deceptive thing, honesty.

I guess this post is about depression.

start of 365 days of blogging

Oh hai there. Two year old blog that I forgot about.

I decided today that I want to try to blog every day, for one year. And see what happens. So here goes with that.

Today I was asked this question. By a young boy wearing flip up sunglasses. He said goodbye to us on the beach and walked a ways away. He then suddenly ran back, yelling 'wait, wait', gripping his shoes tight to his side, barefoot and beaming and asked: "What is one piece of life wisdom you can give me?"

This is what I said, as I sat cross legged under the boat we had flipped on it's side, under the boat we had propped up with a walking stick I found leaning against a tree. Under the boat that I felt could easily, swiftly, come crashing down on top of me with the slightest wiggle. I answered:

"Really listen to yourself. And be honest. Like truly honest."

This has been so tough for me lately. I am currently trying to strip down my decisions as of late and ask myself: Who are you trying to please? Why are you doing this? Does it make you happy?

Those three questions are so, so heavy.

So here goes with the answerings. I will keep you posted.

snacks!

so i showed this blog to a friend. i was happy. pointing and waiting excitedly for her to tell me that my blog was amazing, inspiring, life changing. she said none of these things. she told me i can't have a blog with just one post. 

so i blogfailed. dang.

the thing is, anonymous reader, i don't know what to blog about. i am trying to find 'my voice', 'my audience', my 'thing'.

the title of my blog is snack and caffeine based. i spend many an hour drinking iced tea and snacking. maybe i will recount moments of epic snacking.

i woke up this morning, confused, tangled in blankets, spooning last nights clothes. i crawled to the east side of my bed (i have a very large bed, i have taken to dividing it up into a coordinate map) and pawed at my clock. it was a little after 11. 

just enough time for me to make breakfast. i sprang spryly out of bed and grabbed my baking apron, jogged into the kitchen to merrily start my work.

aw who am i kidding. i actually spooned my clothes some more, now back in the west side of my bed, rolled over until i fell out of bed and stood up.

realizing i am only in my girly boxers, i grab an oversized sweatshirt and throw that on. clothes done.

i stumble into the kitchen and grabbed the box of bisquick.

this is when it gets good, oh my little 6 faithful readers, i made delicious pancakes. 

pancakes so good i am still full 3 hours later. 

pancakes so delicious that fond memories of childhood pancakes gone wafted up to me with every stir of the batter.

i lovingly smashed a cup full of raw almonds, cashews, and peanuts, whipped up two organic bananas, and sprinkled in cinnamon and vanilla. i poured this all together and then ladled a mickey mouse shaped pancake for me, and a snowman pancake for my roommate. 

awww. deeeelicious.

about the same time i was licking the syrup off of my plate, i glanced over the sticky rim to look at the clock. CCRRAAPPPP. i was going to be late for school.

i raced into my room, grabbed the nearest pair of jeans to slump underneath my sweatshirt, and sprinted down the stairs to my waiting steed (my BIKE!).

i barely made it to lab on time. but, my beautiful 6 readers, i discovered, as i was panting and pretending to care about whatever words were being spewed forth by my dry physics teacher chops, that i had brought some breakfast with me.

looking down at my car sized sweatshirt, i noticed tiny morsels of syrup and batter flecked upon it. future snacks left on me by my morning cooking.

oh the joy!

i suckled on those so good, the hue of my whole world suddenly turned from fluorescent lights and white boards, back to mickey mouse and his snowman friend.

back to my yellow tinted walls and coordinate map required bed. and i was happy. 

didn't learn a speck about physics that day. but eh.

non sequitur

oh blogging. this was brewed out of a late night stumble upon my old myspace journals. my little online diary to the world. i wrote about such random things, complained about things i forgot i even cared about, and was thoroughly happy rediscovering the lost thoughts of me.

so here goes. what does one blog about? am i even going to let people know this exists, or shall i just keep writing to the future jes?

i will start, then, with a dumping, a squeegeeing of the current things stumbling, racing, elbowing, brooding in my head:

i started a band. so far, i have perfected hand clapping and written one stanza of music. i consider this a tremendous success so far

i have been thinking alot about taste buds and spicy foods

i have newly discovered, to be direct, lesbian sex. and i find it to be so fucking amazing that i find myself daydreaming in class about the thighs of girls.

i don't know how to define my sexuality anymore. and i don't know why i insist on defining it.

words fail me lately.

i don't know why i insist on staying up so late recently.

i think i am going to stick some pictures in here now. that sounds like a good time.